I’ve tried all kinds of bait in the past: worms, fish, murder, sex, jealousy, and revenge, but so far none have worked. So today I bait my hook with an image that I bought from a small fishing shack at the end of the promenade. Slowly I introduce the image to the hook. Sensing its fate, … More Bait
The restaurant was small and busy. Two little Italian guys zipped back and forth between the kitchen and the customers. The tables were rustic and handmade; each one a different size and style than the next but all with red and white checked tablecloths, a lamp, and vase of fresh flowers on each. The place … More HOUSE CAT
I asked a builder to build me a house. He came to my home and we drank tea at the kitchen table in front of the glowing coal fire and talked about what I wanted. ‘I want you to build me a creepy house on a hill,’ I said. ‘You know the sort: creaky floorboards, … More House
I’m dying. Breathless and panicked Stammering and sweating, Whispering weightless words To empty faces Who stare sadistically Like Colosseum spectators. They prefer this mental breakdown To my actual material. I’m dying again And they absolutely love it.
After years of plotting, the children finally struck. Adults were forced to surrender TV remotes and future dreams before being herded onto cattle trucks under the supervision of machine-gun wielding adolescents. The lucky ones who escaped the city fled to far-off snow-capped mountains where young legs leadened quickly. Within months the city had fallen. Angry … More Rise of the Planet of the Kids.
In a bid to improve the mental state of commuters, a South-Western railway company had replaced the usual flat track from Woking to Paddington station with a train-sized rollercoaster track. The usual one-hour journey now takes nearly two hours but in that time passengers take in two loop the loops, three cobra rolls, four camel … More The Louder you Scream…
I knocked twice on the Doctor’s door. ‘Who’s there,’ came the deep crackled voice. ‘Your next patient,’ I said. ‘Come in!’ I went inside and sat down at his desk. The wall clock ticked hypnotically. ‘What seems to be the problem,’ he said. ‘Well Doctor,’ I said. ‘I feel like a cliché.’ The Doctor looked … More Anti-Cliches…
On her way to school one morning a little girl called Daisy Pumpkin was shocked to discover she had the shadow of a fully grown African elephant. When she moved her head the elephant shadow moved its head, swinging its trunk from side to side. When Daisy hopped on one leg so to did the … More Daisy Pumpkin’s Elephant Shadow.
My front door is many things: A door, a windbreak, and a telepathic psychopath to name just a few. (If you were my front door you would have known that already.) But all that extra-sensory-power has warped my front door’s sense of humour. It used to laugh at Carry on Films and musical comedy, but … More My Psycho Front Door.
It’s fucking evil the sun out here. A right nasty piece of shit. Comes up just before the locals start wailing and hangs there all fucking day like a proper menace. I have to smear meself in Army issue factor fifty to keep it from torching me skin. Makes me look like Casper the fucking … More Bastard Sun.