I was fourteen years old the first time I had my heart broken. It was lunchtime and I was stood in the school playground eating Blackjacks and Fruit Salads when this guy told me he had just kissed the girl I loved. ‘I took her behind the woodwork shop,’ he said all cocky. Tears leaked from … More Playground Joke
I’m dying. Breathless and panicked Stammering and sweating, Whispering weightless words To empty faces Who stare sadistically Like Colosseum spectators. They prefer this mental breakdown To my actual material. I’m dying again And they absolutely love it.
After years of plotting, the children finally struck. Adults were forced to surrender TV remotes and future dreams before being herded onto cattle trucks under the supervision of machine-gun wielding adolescents. The lucky ones who escaped the city fled to far-off snow-capped mountains where young legs leadened quickly. Within months the city had fallen. Angry … More Rise of the Planet of the Kids.
In a bid to improve the mental state of commuters, a South-Western railway company had replaced the usual flat track from Woking to Paddington station with a train-sized rollercoaster track. The usual one-hour journey now takes nearly two hours but in that time passengers take in two loop the loops, three cobra rolls, four camel … More The Louder you Scream…
I knocked twice on the Doctor’s door. ‘Who’s there,’ came the deep crackled voice. ‘Your next patient,’ I said. ‘Come in!’ I went inside and sat down at his desk. The wall clock ticked hypnotically. ‘What seems to be the problem,’ he said. ‘Well Doctor,’ I said. ‘I feel like a cliché.’ The Doctor looked … More Anti-Cliches…
My front door is many things: A door, a windbreak, and a telepathic psychopath to name just a few. (If you were my front door you would have known that already.) But all that extra-sensory-power has warped my front door’s sense of humour. It used to laugh at Carry on Films and musical comedy, but … More My Psycho Front Door.
Professor Dawkins, what will you say? Standing before Him on Judgement day. Will you squirm and squeal and solicit for your soul? Will you plead for His mercy before you’re cast into the hole? At that time you will know much confusion. You’ll be shown your life and you’ll see your Delusion. Pleading, ‘please not … More Professor Dawkins you Have (hate) Mail.
The Morris Family 3,869 Reviews The Abbey Hotel, Paignton, Devon. “More of a Nightmare than Freddy Krueger!” Within moments of the Morris family arriving I knew they would be trouble. Mrs Morris is without doubt the most awful, vile, and meddlesome bitch I have ever met. She complained about everything; the breakfast, the beds, … More Guest Advisor
Before the blood was taken I was one hundred percent positive I was one hundred percent negative, and I hate to sound so negative because I used to be so positive, but now the bloods been taken I am one hundred percent positive I am one hundred percent positive. And to think: I used to be … More H.I.V. TEST
My Penis had vanished! Gone! I looked in all the usual places: Behind the couch, under the couch, down the couch. Nothing. So after three worrying days I went to the police station to fill out a missing penis report. The desk sergeant asked if I had a photograph of my penis. ‘No,’ I … More Missing Penis!