Playground Joke

I was fourteen years old the first time I had my heart broken. It was lunchtime and I was stood in the school playground eating Blackjacks and Fruit Salads when this guy told me he had just kissed the girl I loved. ‘I took her behind the woodwork shop,’ he said all cocky. Tears leaked from … More Playground Joke

Dying.

I’m dying. Breathless and panicked Stammering and sweating, Whispering weightless words To empty faces Who stare sadistically Like Colosseum spectators. They prefer this mental breakdown To my actual material. I’m dying again And they absolutely love it.

Rise of the Planet of the Kids.

After years of plotting, the children finally struck. Adults were forced to surrender TV remotes and future dreams before being herded onto cattle trucks under the supervision of machine-gun wielding adolescents. The lucky ones who escaped the city fled to far-off snow-capped mountains where young legs leadened quickly. Within months the city had fallen. Angry … More Rise of the Planet of the Kids.

Anti-Cliches…

I knocked twice on the Doctor’s door. ‘Who’s there,’ came the deep crackled voice. ‘Your next patient,’ I said. ‘Come in!’ I went inside and sat down at his desk. The wall clock ticked hypnotically. ‘What seems to be the problem,’ he said. ‘Well Doctor,’ I said. ‘I feel like a cliché.’ The Doctor looked … More Anti-Cliches…

Guest Advisor

  The Morris Family 3,869 Reviews The Abbey Hotel, Paignton, Devon. “More of a Nightmare than Freddy Krueger!” Within moments of the Morris family arriving I knew they would be trouble. Mrs Morris is without doubt the most awful, vile, and meddlesome bitch I have ever met. She complained about everything; the breakfast, the beds, … More Guest Advisor

H.I.V. TEST

Before the blood was taken I was one hundred percent positive I was one hundred percent negative, and I hate to sound so negative because I used to be so positive, but now the bloods been taken I am one hundred percent positive I am one hundred percent positive. And to think: I used to be … More H.I.V. TEST

Missing Penis!

  My Penis had vanished! Gone! I looked in all the usual places: Behind the couch, under the couch, down the couch. Nothing. So after three worrying days I went to the police station to fill out a missing penis report. The desk sergeant asked if I had a photograph of my penis. ‘No,’ I … More Missing Penis!